I have to start by saying that this is a topic I have kept pretty private for quite a while but after watching a video on empowering women to speak out about PPD and encourage those going through it, I realized I really should share my story with my family, friends, and possibly even random strangers reading this who many be suffering from PPD and looking for a little hope or at least a sign that you are not alone...
Let me start by saying YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! I know you feel crazy, weepy, exhausted, overwhelmed, frustrated, annoyed, anxious, and non-functional....but this too will pass I promise!
My son's pregnancy, and birth were both a bit traumatic for me. But after having him, I actually felt pretty good. I was exhausted yes, but my pre-eclampsia had gone away and I finally felt like I could breathe again! All my crazy, irrational, end of pregnancy fears were finally over and I could physically SEE my son was ok!
This lasted about 3 days in the hospital and then we went home and had another pretty blissful 24 hours or so at home. I was so happy that my milk was coming it and he was such a champ at breast feeding, he had no problems at all!! But then on day 4 after his birth... I woke up and immediately knew something was wrong because my c-section pain had quadrupled over night, breast feeding suddenly became unbearable with pain (causing the start of my anxiety) and I could not move anything from my waist down without wanting to jump out of my skin. It took me 10 minutes to get from the bed to the car to go to the ER. After an ambulance transfer from one hospital to another (and lots of other fun complications including trying to breastfeed for close to 36 hours without being allowed to have any food or water) I was finally diagnosed with a uterine infection and was given IV antibiotics for the next few days or so in the hospital. This is where my depression began...
Some of it was triggered for me by some PTSD from a previous surgery I nearly died from. Some of it was due to the extreme pain I was in that was way worse than labor for me. A lot of it had to do with being stuck in a dark hospital room for days and not being able to enjoy time with my son. A lot of it also had to do with having to stop breastfeeding due to the pain and complications the uterine contractions caused on my uterus giving me unbearable pain, the inability to heal and extreme anxiety. Because of that extreme anxiety I had to be put on a medication just to tolerate how I felt which meant I had to stop breastfeeding.
The days following my release from the hospital consisted of almost constant crying and tears. Feelings of constant fear, and the deepest darkest depression I have ever felt in my life. I felt like the world was crashing in on me and that every single happy thing in this world was lost. I felt CRAZY. I remember telling my husband numerous times that I was going insane and was going to end up on the psych ward soon. The sound of my son crying caused so much anxiety I literally would get up and walk out of the house and go for a walk. Thankfully my husband and my mom were home at these times and my mom would take my son and my husband would run out the door after me and just walk and walk and walk with me crying my eyes out until I felt calm enough to come back home. Thankfully, I quickly realized how bad things were and got in to my doctor who immediately changed my medications and my symptoms drastically improved within about a week.
I WISH I could say that was the end of my story, I really, really do! But unfortunately it is not. The second bout of PPD I experienced came on a lot slower but just as powerful. It started to hit me when my son was around 6 months old. I started having anxiety again but on a different level than I had felt before. I suddenly would have these anxiety attacks where again the entire world felt hopeless and dark. At first I thought it was being triggered by my broken arm....but over time my arm got better and my anxiety got worse and worse. I started having these attacks daily and I would completely shut down, not be able to function, and cry and cry for a few hours and then I was better. I remember crying in the bathroom, the closet, outside, rocking my son to sleep, pretty much EVERYWHERE! I tried counseling but didnt realize what was going on, again I thought I was going crazy!
It wasn't until a camping trip my family and I were on with our church group that I realized maybe this was PPD rearing its head again! I started to have a full blown panic attack because my son was crying, the tent was about to get blown away, and I suddenly felt like I couldnt escape. While my husband tore down the tent as fast as possible (in the middle of a horrible storm), I took my son in the stroller and walked and walked and walked! And I just remembered having this horribly scary feeling that maybe my husband and my son would just be better off without me because clearly I was going insane! I suddenly just had these racing thoughts of every way I could just get away from my family, away from my life, and away from the crying and exhaustion. I remember crying all the way home to my husband about how bad things really were and how I NEEDED help. This was the turning point for me, I finally realized I had gotten back to how I felt right after my son was born and even though it was nearly a year later, it was still my hormones wreaking havoc on me again.
Once again I went to my doctor who changed my medications and actually added another anxiety medication. But I also faithfully went back to counseling, and started acupuncture and with all of those combined, I started to heal. I started to feel myself again, the self I hadnt felt in a long, long time. I am happy to say that I cant remember the last time I had a full blown panic or anxiety attack, in fact any time I start to feel it coming on I have learned how to do a very good job at immediately calming my self down, realizing what the trigger is and avoiding the entire attack. Life is back to normal (well as normal as it can be with an almost 2 year old now haha) and I am SO thankful for all the help I received while I struggled with this.
But it still hurts my heart to think that SO many woman struggle with this and NO ONE talks about it, in fact so many women (including myself) are so scared that people will freak out on them, judge them, be scared of them, or even not trust them with their own kids! I was terrified if people knew the truth they would take my son away from me. Suffering in silence is the worst thing we can do! We HAVE to talk about this, and we HAVE to help each other through it without judgement! And we HAVE to watch for the warning signs in ourselves and our close ones.
If you are concerned that you may be struggling with PPD, I urge you to reach out and get help. Talk to your doctor, talk to your friends, family, and get help! Your NOT crazy, and you are NOT ALONE, your just going through a hard time with your hormones right now, you will recover and life will return!! Hang in there Momma!!
For further resources and stories here is the video that brought me to tears and inspired this post: http://blogs.babycenter.com/mom_stories/shocking-video-shows-07222015what-postpartum-depression-is-really-like/?scid=fb_wall_us
Let me start by saying YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! I know you feel crazy, weepy, exhausted, overwhelmed, frustrated, annoyed, anxious, and non-functional....but this too will pass I promise!
My son's pregnancy, and birth were both a bit traumatic for me. But after having him, I actually felt pretty good. I was exhausted yes, but my pre-eclampsia had gone away and I finally felt like I could breathe again! All my crazy, irrational, end of pregnancy fears were finally over and I could physically SEE my son was ok!
This lasted about 3 days in the hospital and then we went home and had another pretty blissful 24 hours or so at home. I was so happy that my milk was coming it and he was such a champ at breast feeding, he had no problems at all!! But then on day 4 after his birth... I woke up and immediately knew something was wrong because my c-section pain had quadrupled over night, breast feeding suddenly became unbearable with pain (causing the start of my anxiety) and I could not move anything from my waist down without wanting to jump out of my skin. It took me 10 minutes to get from the bed to the car to go to the ER. After an ambulance transfer from one hospital to another (and lots of other fun complications including trying to breastfeed for close to 36 hours without being allowed to have any food or water) I was finally diagnosed with a uterine infection and was given IV antibiotics for the next few days or so in the hospital. This is where my depression began...
Some of it was triggered for me by some PTSD from a previous surgery I nearly died from. Some of it was due to the extreme pain I was in that was way worse than labor for me. A lot of it had to do with being stuck in a dark hospital room for days and not being able to enjoy time with my son. A lot of it also had to do with having to stop breastfeeding due to the pain and complications the uterine contractions caused on my uterus giving me unbearable pain, the inability to heal and extreme anxiety. Because of that extreme anxiety I had to be put on a medication just to tolerate how I felt which meant I had to stop breastfeeding.
The days following my release from the hospital consisted of almost constant crying and tears. Feelings of constant fear, and the deepest darkest depression I have ever felt in my life. I felt like the world was crashing in on me and that every single happy thing in this world was lost. I felt CRAZY. I remember telling my husband numerous times that I was going insane and was going to end up on the psych ward soon. The sound of my son crying caused so much anxiety I literally would get up and walk out of the house and go for a walk. Thankfully my husband and my mom were home at these times and my mom would take my son and my husband would run out the door after me and just walk and walk and walk with me crying my eyes out until I felt calm enough to come back home. Thankfully, I quickly realized how bad things were and got in to my doctor who immediately changed my medications and my symptoms drastically improved within about a week.
I WISH I could say that was the end of my story, I really, really do! But unfortunately it is not. The second bout of PPD I experienced came on a lot slower but just as powerful. It started to hit me when my son was around 6 months old. I started having anxiety again but on a different level than I had felt before. I suddenly would have these anxiety attacks where again the entire world felt hopeless and dark. At first I thought it was being triggered by my broken arm....but over time my arm got better and my anxiety got worse and worse. I started having these attacks daily and I would completely shut down, not be able to function, and cry and cry for a few hours and then I was better. I remember crying in the bathroom, the closet, outside, rocking my son to sleep, pretty much EVERYWHERE! I tried counseling but didnt realize what was going on, again I thought I was going crazy!
It wasn't until a camping trip my family and I were on with our church group that I realized maybe this was PPD rearing its head again! I started to have a full blown panic attack because my son was crying, the tent was about to get blown away, and I suddenly felt like I couldnt escape. While my husband tore down the tent as fast as possible (in the middle of a horrible storm), I took my son in the stroller and walked and walked and walked! And I just remembered having this horribly scary feeling that maybe my husband and my son would just be better off without me because clearly I was going insane! I suddenly just had these racing thoughts of every way I could just get away from my family, away from my life, and away from the crying and exhaustion. I remember crying all the way home to my husband about how bad things really were and how I NEEDED help. This was the turning point for me, I finally realized I had gotten back to how I felt right after my son was born and even though it was nearly a year later, it was still my hormones wreaking havoc on me again.
Once again I went to my doctor who changed my medications and actually added another anxiety medication. But I also faithfully went back to counseling, and started acupuncture and with all of those combined, I started to heal. I started to feel myself again, the self I hadnt felt in a long, long time. I am happy to say that I cant remember the last time I had a full blown panic or anxiety attack, in fact any time I start to feel it coming on I have learned how to do a very good job at immediately calming my self down, realizing what the trigger is and avoiding the entire attack. Life is back to normal (well as normal as it can be with an almost 2 year old now haha) and I am SO thankful for all the help I received while I struggled with this.
But it still hurts my heart to think that SO many woman struggle with this and NO ONE talks about it, in fact so many women (including myself) are so scared that people will freak out on them, judge them, be scared of them, or even not trust them with their own kids! I was terrified if people knew the truth they would take my son away from me. Suffering in silence is the worst thing we can do! We HAVE to talk about this, and we HAVE to help each other through it without judgement! And we HAVE to watch for the warning signs in ourselves and our close ones.
If you are concerned that you may be struggling with PPD, I urge you to reach out and get help. Talk to your doctor, talk to your friends, family, and get help! Your NOT crazy, and you are NOT ALONE, your just going through a hard time with your hormones right now, you will recover and life will return!! Hang in there Momma!!
For further resources and stories here is the video that brought me to tears and inspired this post: http://blogs.babycenter.com/mom_stories/shocking-video-shows-07222015what-postpartum-depression-is-really-like/?scid=fb_wall_us